Thursday, September 29, 2016

My Struggle to Get Pregnant Part Two


Welcome back! I cannot thank you all enough for all of the love you've sent my way whether through emails, comments, or in person. As I mentioned in Part One (which you can read here), I was hesitant to publish this. After Part One, I spent the rest of the night second guessing myself. Was it too much information?  Did I sound stupid? Who was I letting in? But, your encouragement has reminded and reaffirmed why I wrote this in the first place. Thank you.


We were coming up on a year of trying-the amount of time it takes most women to conceive. I'd tracked ovulation, tracked every little symptom, tried the whole temping routine, etc. After a year, I'd learned, it was time to seek medical counsel.  I called every OB in the area only to discover that a grand total of one office accepted my insurance. Despite the fact that I'd have to wait six weeks to get in, I made the appointment. It felt good. By mid-January we would finally be getting some answers and be that much closer to becoming parents. 

For the next month I didn't stress as much. We were on the right path. The day of the appointment I woke up smiling (as if I would somehow walk away from the office pregnant). I arrived half an hour early, filled out mounds of paperwork, and patiently awaited the doctor's call. She ordered up some tests to check my progesterone levels, along with a painful hysterosalpingogram which consists of injecting a dye into the cervix which then moves into the uterus, and on to the Fallopian tubes to check for blockages. I have IC so I thought, what's a little injection into the ol' cervix?  

Unfortunately, the appointment wouldn't be for another month! "Worth the wait," I thought. Especially once the nurse shared that many women actually became pregnant shortly after the test (due possibly to the removal of blockages-mental or physical, I'm not sure). I was beyond excited by this news, but I still tracked everything in January-why miss out on another month? Maybe by the time of the appointment I'd be pregnant and wouldn't have to go through the painful procedure at all!

January was different from the previous months... 

I felt in control again. I knew we were heading in the right direction-motherhood was so close-which is why, during the the Two Week Wait (Google it), I started feeling anxious, giddy even. Things were different...None of the usual indications that I wasn't pregnant showed. I took pregnancy test after test, but each relayed a negative result. I knew they were wrong. I prayed over the baby I knew was in there, I talked to him on the way to work, and even revealed to Erik that I thought our dream was coming true! He was excited, but weary, suggesting that I needed to relax, that I was spending too much time researching, and stalking the discussion boards, that I was getting a little neurotic (hard to believe, right?). It was true. I'd driven myself crazy. I was getting out of hand. Maybe I was even imagining some of my symptoms.

But, when I was two days late-TWO whole days-we were both (cautiously) over the moon! 
I immediately stopped drinking alcohol, didn't have a drop of caffeine. I spent all my free time daydreaming about our soon to be family. January was turning out to be one of the best months of my life.

And one of the worst. I wasn't pregnant. I was devastated. Confused. Furious with God. I felt so foolish for getting excited, so pathetic for thinking maybe, just maybe our prayers had been answered. Who was I to think I deserved as much?

I crawled into bed at eight-thirty the night I found out I wasn't pregnant. Tears poured from my eyes. I didn't say a word to Erik when he asked what was wrong. He figured it out. I was never pregnant, but I still felt a loss as if I had been. It felt so real and then it was just... gone.

The next morning Erik and I had a bridal show to work. More than a few pregnant women and mothers visited our booth. It killed me. I wasn't sad. I wasn't angry. I was bitter. I smiled at the mothers and gushed over how adorable their children were, but inside my heart was sinking. Smiling, when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, is almost impossible. I found myself questioning God about what made these women so great to deserve a child. Why some mothers who didn't pay any attention to their children were allowed to have them. I left the show thinking "I'm done." I just felt so incompetent and hopeless.

I completely abandoned the tracking apps, the tests, the temping-all of it. I had a beer whenever I wanted. I ordered the largest coffees I could get my hands on. I ate sushi without a second thought. It felt good-I was free. I decided that maybe I'd never have kids. I didn't want them anyways, I told myself. Without kids I could travel. I could keep my body. We would be that really cool, sexy couple that I imagined all parents wished they were...a sort of undeserved revenge against everyone who had what I wanted

As further testimony to how little I cared about starting a family, Erik and I went out and got new tattoos together-something we could do without kids to worry about clothing and feeding. I was so over trying to get pregnant that it never even occurred to me that I was getting a tattoo and one day late. 

The next morning I woke up before Erik as usual. It was still dark out. And, even though I was still keeping up the tough facade, the urge to check and update my tracking apps reappeared. Two days late. I practically rolled my eyes in bed. This had happened before. But, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a glimmer of hope inside me still

I had one more dollar store test under the sink. 

At 6:30 in the morning, still half asleep, I made my way down the hall to the bathroom and sleepily pulled out the flimsy test and did the whole drill. You're supposed to wait two minutes for the result, but I usually just stared at it continuously until the timer went off. Actually, I'd usually stare long past the two minutes...waiting...hoping...praying.

I didn't pray this time...

I didn't stare past the two minutes...

I never got the chance.

After mere seconds, I was staring down at two light blue lines with little tears of joy streaming down my cheeks.

2 comments:

  1. No one tells you how difficult it is to start a family. I remember taking test after test and feeling hopeless after they were negative. But when you see the first positive test so much joy and love overcomes you! I'm so happy that you and Erik got to feel that!

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    1. Not at ALL as promised in high school sex ed, right? It was truly the happiest day of my life thus far.

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